I am an actor, comedian, writer, who has not acted, written or ventured onto a comedy stage in a bazzillion years. Like most folks with a theater degrees my day jobs have taken over my life. I have many talents but no marketable skills. I have not yet convinced society that my juggling, magic, prat falls or sword fighting skills should allow me to be rich.
So for the last couple of years I have been driving an airport shuttle bus. It’s true, the wheels on the bus do go ’round and ’round. I just thank the heavens that there are no children on the bus that are singing that every day. I leave that up to my wife Kelly, who sang that to me every day for the first three months I had the job. Thanks for that honey, I love you!
So while on the bus I hear snippets of conversations from passengers. If they are sitting far enough toward the front I can hear entire conversations. Or one end of cell phone calls. Here is one of my tales:
I picked up a woman from the hospital in lovely downtown Portland, Oregon. (It really is lovely, so ya’ll can come visit but don’t move here!) She tells me a long, sad, and terrible tale about how her son has come here for a hopefully life saving surgery. She lives in Southern California. Twice she flew up but twice the surgery had to be postponed. So she has spent all this money she didn’t have to get up here. But this time the surgery happened. It wasn’t as helpful as it was supposed to be, but she had to go home again to look after other children.
Thankfully just before my eyes started tearing up her cell phone rang. Here is her side of the conversation.
Hello.
Hello honey.
No, I’m still in Portland.
No, I won’t be home until late this afternoon.
I don’t leave here until 1:30 this afternoon.
No, I’m not even on the plane yet, and then I have to drive a couple of hours home.
What? Oh my God! No there is no way I can make it back by 5 PM.
Well, can’t your father bail you out?
There is no way I can make it. Where’s your father?
Well did you call the bar?
Well then he shouldn’t drive! What about one of your friends?
No honey, I can’t speed up my trip.
What happened? Oh, my God! Is Grandpa alright?
Is he hurt badly? Oh, my God!
Why did you attack Grandpa?
But honey you know…
He what?
That’s no reason to attack him! What were you thinking?
Well it looks like your spending the night in Jail, ’cause I’m not going to make it. Good bye!
My passenger hung up. She did not say another word for the remainder of the trip. I took her to the airport and pointed her toward her airline.
Writings of the Obscure and Nearly Famous 